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There is No Path--a Work of Pure Fiction

Discussion in 'The Library' started by DavidUSA, 28 Jul 2015.

  1. DavidUSA

    DavidUSA Thread Starter Well-Known Member

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    Once upon a time in a land far away, a hard-working ex-NCO fond of enjoying his gin neat, very glad to still be in one piece after two years and a red baptism in Afghanistan, found himself being offered a job.


    Being on vacation in the tropics, this was the last thing he expected. But vacations have a way of disintegrating when one cannot sleep, and work keeps away many of the most pernicious evils human beings face such as thinking. Teaching in Thailand offered a perfect solution.


    Also, our hero had responsibilities such as scraping together a dowry to win over the affections of a certain young lady's sceptical mother. This mother would then give most of the money to her father; religiously bringing him chicken on a bamboo stick was not going to be enough to win his love. Our hero did not mind being part of a strange familial mafia with its pay offs, odd duties, and misplaced gestures. But he did notice that the small foodstuffs put outside for the gods to eat were merely consumed by insects. Anyway, by working he could give more money to his charming helpmeet, this being an important feature of making a Thai woman happy, even ecstatic.


    Standing there on vacation on that fateful day, a day on which there must have been a solar eclipse, an unknown professional-looking lady approached our hero as if he were a movie star and she wanted an autograph. She said, “I want you to teach at my university.” Our hero, I blush to say it, was amazingly blind to the ways of the world. Waking up that morning terrorized in a pool of sweat after the usual three hours and fifteen minutes of sleep he said, “Yes.”


    About nine months passed. Then late one night he sat at his desk mulling over the past perfect. The professional-looking lady, now his boss, came into his office. She, with clever and searching eyes, wondered why our hero was not at home with his lucky better half. He answered that he enjoyed working—Americans have a different culture. She then spoke of loneliness and past lives in which certain people had previously been married. Our hero quickly drew the implication: previous marriages trump current ones. In fact, our hero and the professional lady had already been on the most intimate terms, according to her. She also spoke of religious mysteries, violent events, and jealousies in prior existences. She even spoke of decapitation. Our hero looked around the room, his office, with its lurid green paint. She asked our hero if he thought such things were possible. He, being diplomatic, responded, “Anything is possible.”


    Later that night, sitting in an aging local hotel's restaurant, he reflected on these events over three large Carlsbergs. A young lady with stunning charms was about to sing. She was wearing a bikini which struggled to contain her ample plastic breasts. Also, this amazing garment had small bells that rang with a scathing cynicism as she moved. She did a little dance while she sang. The bells swang: tinkle, tinkle. When she began her dance this somehow clarified our hero's life to himself. She sang “My First Love” after emerging from behind a computer screen and a tall chair where she had perched herself like a bird of prey. She jiggled her hips and our hero's new life was born. Our hero then divided his life into two parts. There was the first part, prior to the science project stunning model singing about love, and then there was the second part, after having experienced enlightenment.


    Soon after, back at the educational factory, our hero had one more surprise. His boss, again with her clever manner and not without her subtle appeal, asked if he could do overtime for 50 Baht per hour instead of the promised 400. He said “yes” again. But he had discovered the obvious thing that is so difficult to see, that love is what gives human life its dignity, and he still had a chance to really live.
     
    Last edited: 28 Jul 2015
  2. DavidUSA

    DavidUSA Thread Starter Well-Known Member

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    I realize now that this is not the place to post creative writing.
     
    Last edited: 29 Jul 2015
  3. gungchang

    gungchang Well-Known Member

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    It's been tried on Ajarn Forum. One poster started a short story. Other posters were to write subsequent chapters.

    Yours truly wrote chapter two. I did a great job of it. Maybe that's why nobody ever wrote the third chapter.
     
  4. bahn_farang

    bahn_farang Well-Known Member

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    What makes you say that? I enjoyed the read and was looking forward to the sexy bits!
     
  5. DavidUSA

    DavidUSA Thread Starter Well-Known Member

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    I did not want to offend anyone.
    But thanks for the encouragement! Maybe I can try another.
     
  6. Teacher MARK

    Teacher MARK Banned

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    Yeah, that was me.
    When you challenge the English teachers on that forum with anything involving having an original idea, you really get to see how bereft of talent that place is!
     
  7. Teacher MARK

    Teacher MARK Banned

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    If you don't mind constructive criticism...

    'Also' is not a good way to start a new paragraph.

    'Our hero' TWICE in the same paragraph... then numerous times after that.
    Give the guy a name or start using other references.

    There's nothing wrong with starting sentences with 'and' or 'but', however you have done it two times in the first few lines and both times inappropriately.

    "But he did notice that the small foodstuffs put outside for the gods to eat were merely consumed by insects."

    There is so much wrong with this one sentence alone...
    Unnecessary use of 'But' to open the sentence.
    'foodstuffs'? Seriously? Why not interest the reader with what the foodstuffs are or at least use another word.
    Most people of average intelligence have a general understanding of Buddhism, so the wording of this sentence is conveying that 'our hero' has no understanding of his local surroundings or of national culture. Maybe that was your intent - if so, the sentence is too ambiguous for the reader to know for sure.

    "helpmeet" No, no, no....

    "an unknown professional-looking lady"
    Why does she look like that? What is her demeanor? What is she wearing?

    "About nine months passed. Then late one night.."
    And, poof, just like that, nine months have passed!

    "The professional-looking lady..."
    Two things... first - repetition.
    So far there are two people in this story, almost a year has gone by and we still don't know anyone's name or even what they look like!

    "In fact, our hero and the professional lady had..."
    OK. Now I'm just getting annoyed!

    "...sitting in an aging local hotel's restaurant..."
    How do we know it's an aging local hotel. We only have your word for it. What does it look like.
    So far, I haven't read one word of descriptive text which would invite me into the world you are describing writing about.

    "Also, this amazing garment had small bells that rang with a scathing cynicism as she moved..."
    I have no idea what this means. Are you trying to be too clever or am I being too stupid?

    From then on it just makes no sense at all, sorry.

    Just my opinion... and I'm quite famous for being wrong, so, take it for what it is...an ass hole with an opinion that may well be wrong!
     
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  8. DavidUSA

    DavidUSA Thread Starter Well-Known Member

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    I really appreciate your criticism. Actually, I agree with you, and I agreed while I was writing it. You are correct in just about every instance, in my opinion. I'll try to sharpen it up. You are definitely correct about the weakness of "...sitting in an aging local hotel's restaurant..." Maybe in the back of my mind that little warning light, so tired by then, was trying to power up and flash. I think it did flicker.

    I was writing too fast, more like spilling. I can do better. I'll rewrite this one, taking your remarks to heart.
     
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  9. DavidUSA

    DavidUSA Thread Starter Well-Known Member

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    OK, so I am going to try my hand at spicing things up when I tighten up the story. Stay tuned.
     
  10. DavidUSA

    DavidUSA Thread Starter Well-Known Member

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    You are correct. I have to stop doing that.

    You are right again. It should be used for emphasis.

    "But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground."
     

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